What is it about illness?

I have been sick with a mystery virus for the past few days. It’s rendered me achy, feverish and spotted with a rash….most of all, it’s sapped my energy.

It’s amazing what an illness does to one’s head. Tired and swollen, I’ve spent hours upon hours sitting on my porch looking out of the window, writing and thinking. Some of this thinking has been productive, lots of it has been worrying, and then there is time given to stillness. I’m trying to stay away from that frustrated thinking about all of the things I’m not accomplishing.

The thing is, I just DON’T get sick. Recently, a friend wisely said that sometimes we just need to change our stories. I guess this is one I need to change. Anyone, including me, can succumb to illness and I have.

But it’s interesting what this still time has brought to light. I find myself feeling deeply the illnesses of others…those illnesses and diseases that don’t go away. And in there somewhere comes the gratitude. Sure, I’m waiting for test results to tell me this isn’t something really scary but somewhere in me I know that it will pass.

I talked to a friend yesterday who asked how I was feeling. I told him about how sore and weepy I was and then apologized for whining. I am a person who usually sees the bright side of things and here I was complaining about how crummy I was feeling. “You’re not whiny,” he said, “I know that.” And with that I knew that it was all ok. I knew I could reveal my fear and pain and not worry that he or anyone else would think I’d become someone who finds any reason to complain.

And I forgave myself for just living in this sadness and pain for a few days and really feeling it. Knowing that it wouldn’t last forever I knew that there just needs to be a time when we listen clearly to ourselves and give ourselves whatever it is we might need.

Today is brighter. I woke up knowing I’d turned a corner. Sure, I’m buoyed by Advil to relieve the pain but mentally I feel much stronger, like it is time to start taking action. It’s time to take control. So I am.

And sometimes I think that God has to physically tell me when it’s time to stop and rest. I’ve been going a million miles an hour recently. If this were a cold I’d ignore it but give me a full blown virus that renders me lifeless and I pay attention. I’ve been forced to sit and be still for 4 days now and you know what? I’m grateful.