Up earlier than usual this morning I ran the familiar assessment that comes in the wee hours. Have I slept enough to make it through the day? Should I just get up?
Half an hour later, legs curled beneath me in my favorite chair, the smell of coffee a silk scarf tickling my nose, I struggle to focus on some reading. I’d wanted to be peaceful, to use the quiet of 4am to meditate, to let my mind rest before the busy-ness of the day. But the world crept in.
The tumult that is our country lurks like an ominous cloud causing my heart to move faster, my breath coming in shallow sips. I am distracted. I need air.
Pulling on some boots, my bathrobe snugged around me, I pick up my coffee cup and head outside. Too early for the sun’s first glimpse, I am met with darkness. I feel my way down the steps, gripping the handrail as I orient, and head out into the grass.
I look up.
The stars, scattered like a handful of diamonds, are strewn across the sky–familiar shapes–Orion and the Great Bear, Cancer. The air, carrying hints of fall, leaves my skin feeling like peppermint. Drying foliage, the last clippings of grass, the bright decay of autumn, watercolor traces in the air.
I take a deep breath and another, leaning into my comforting smallness against the world’s tableau. I am held by the world. The stars above in formations that have guided seekers and sailors since the beginning of time, the movement of the season towards the quiet sleep of winter. Familiar signs and patterns moving on a clock hewn not of human hands. Time slips by beyond my noticing and breathing deep, my thoughts soften.
When I turn back towards the house my eyes, now accustomed to the darkness, recognize the shapes that were at first hidden. I see in the dark.
“I should have meditated while I was out here. I should have prayed,” a voice inside me chides.
And then I realize, I did.
5 Responses
Thank you dear Margaret…a beautiful writing. The end brought tears. I try mot to be frightened but I am. Joining you today helps. You are a gift to me. Thank you❤️
Thank you ❤️
I’m going to need to leave this one in my in-box for awhile to help me remember. My challenge most mornings is to allow some moments of peace and a restful mind, rather than jumping into “getting things done.” Thanks.
On Wed, Oct 9, 2019 at 6:36 AM margaret jankowski wrote:
> margaretjankowski posted: “Up earlier than usual this morning I ran the > familiar assessment that comes in the wee hours. Have I slept enough to > make it through the day? Should I just get up? Half an hour later, legs > curled beneath me in my favorite chair, the smell of coffee a sil” >
I hear you, Kris. I do that too. It’s really a practice to take that space “between waking and the world”
I too was up early this morning. The stars were brilliant. I so wish I’d done as you had and gone outside. Instead I curled up on the sofa with a book; then found my way back to bed for a sunrise snooze. Your writing draws me in and touches a soft spot in me.Thank you for sharing this.